Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize
