areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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