I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this boner is exhausting
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
