then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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