dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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