Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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