Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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