after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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