He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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