Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
