you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
