If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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