I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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