from now on my penis is your penis
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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