I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We left the knife in your bed.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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