I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
