You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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