she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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