I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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