Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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