Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
