I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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