You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
