I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
