I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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