Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
