if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
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