It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
