Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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