I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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