I accidentally burped into my bong.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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