Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
