He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I believe in your delicious
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
