OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
