As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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