My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
