he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I stole a fireplace last night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
