why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
