Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The air was thick with penises
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
