Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
