No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
