$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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