I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
