Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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