I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
