Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
