whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
