so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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