So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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