Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
