recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
