she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
