I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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