I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
