I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
